For the love of God, stop the biz speak

I love words and I never tire of word games, but there's one game that's quickly becoming a real pain in the neck - the catch phrase bandwagon.

That's the game where an unfamiliar word is cleverly used or a catch phrase invented by someone whose comments are widely published or broadcast. The new word or phrase is quickly picked up by other broadcasters as well as business gurus until soon every local hack and regional wanna-be in the land is parroting it. Soon, you can't turn on the TV or pick up a magazine or attend a company sales meeting without hearing that same phrase.

For instance, yesterday we had a workplace idea shower. From the get-go we were asked to think outside the box and conversate about deliverables already in the pipeline as well as those not yet on the radar screen. The CEO cautioned us to look under the hood of each idea and drill down to the crowd-sourcing opportunities, assessing all stakeholder benefits. We were expected to exercise pre-planning and keep everyone in the loop so we don't miss any low-hanging fruit. In return we'll be incentivized for leveraging interlinks if we achieve a 110 percent buy-in.

Translation: Yesterday we had an office brainstorming session. From the beginning we were asked to think creatively in discussing current products as well as new ones. The boss cautioned us to investigate each idea in detail, especially unusual opportunities, keeping in mind potential advantages for everyone concerned. We are expected to plan ahead and stay in contact so we don't miss any easy obvious sales. In return we'll receive bonuses to motivate our best team effort.

I don't know about you, but I understand what's expected of me much better from the translation in real English, than from the biz-speak original for several reasons.

1. Political correctness aside, brainstorm conveys a whole lot more powerful image than idea shower.
2. Beginning vs. get-go? Enough said.
3. I'm so tired of "the box" I couldn't think inside it if I tried.
4. Conversate? That's not even a word. What's wrong with talk?
5. Deliverables in the pipeline sounds more like a loaded cannon than a product launch.
6. If I hear one more misuse of radar screens I'm going to have a permanent blip on mine.
7. Just what are we supposed to find "under the hood?" This inane expression grates on my nerves so badly I feel like someone is "drilling down" to my root canal.
8. Crowd-sourcing? What are we looking for, sales opps on a parade route?
9. Stakeholder. Good name for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but no one else.
10. Planning is by definition, done in advance. So pre-planning is just plan dumb.
11. I'm tired of being in the loop; it feels more like a noose. All it produces is more emails, phone calls, interruptions...
12. Low-hanging fruit doesn't need picking; it falls in your lap if it's good and on the ground, if it's rotten. Duh-uh.
13. Incentivized? Please, not another word that's not a word. It makes me feel like leveraging my breakfast back onto the plate.
14. Finally, our best effort is 100 percent. That's all there is. Period.

Blogger Kyrie O'Connor calls biz-speak "plug-ugly" and says it affects her like mental itching powder. Right-on!

So what inane expression gives you brain hives? Share it with me at jomin8549@gmail.com.