Joyce Minor

Sometimes 'wisdom' is bumper to bumper

Minor Musings
Published: February 21, 2010

For most of my adult life I've kept a list of quotations. Most are things I find particularly wise or insightful. Some of them just seemed clever at the time, others were downright profound, and others humorous, then and now.

Occasionally it's fun to read back over the list. Most of the entries I recall, but there are always some I had totally forgotten and I find myself inspired or amused all over again. Most of the quotes are the words of famous people collected over the years from books, sermons, poems, speeches and interviews. My list includes the words of a wide cross section of humanity, from William Shakespeare to Will Rogers, and Emily Dickenson to Erma Bombeck.

But interestingly enough, some of the cleverest quotes are from that moving, changing, ever-evolving source of anonymous homegrown wit and wisdom - bumper stickers. Here are a few of my favorites, separated into categories.

First are bumper stickers addressed to other drivers: Keep honking; I'm reloading. Cover me; I'm changing lanes. Danger; I drive like you do. Stupidity is not a crime; you're free to go. Are you following Jesus this close? Yes, as a matter of fact, I do own the road. And my personal favorite: Honk if you love Jesus; text if you want to meet him now.

Second are stickers meant as insults to other people like: Do they ever stop talking on your planet? 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest? Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Mirrors can't talk; good thing for you, they also can't laugh. And my personal favorite: I see dumb people.

Third are the stickers that draw observations on life like: There are two types of pedestrians - the quick and the dead. A clean car is a sign of a sick mind. Mothers of teenagers know why some species eat their young. The Internet is a source of info, not a lifestyle. Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt. The buck doesn't even slow down here. Rap is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. And my personal favorite: Was today really necessary?

Next, we have those cynical, political bumper stickers like: Don't steal; the IRS hates competition. Abandon the search for truth; Congress settles for fantasy, so can you. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. If Obama is the answer, it must have been a really dumb question. Keep working; millions on welfare are depending on you. And my personal favorite: Bring home our troops; send Congress to Afghanistan.

Once in a while, though, you see a bumper sticker that's just plain good advice, cleverly packaged, like: Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. Now, you've got to admit, it just doesn't get much more clever than that.

And finally, once in a great while you see a bumper sticker that's absolutely profound like: What you seize is what you get. Cream rises to the top, and so does scum. Or my personal favorite: Enjoy your life. It's not a dress rehearsal.