Joyce Minor

Got Any Questions For God?

Highlands Today
Published: August 31, 2008

There are times in every person's life when we're forced to wonder why the world is the way it is - why certain seemingly universal truths are, well, universally true. For me, those times always occur when I'm faced with some enigma about human nature. That's when I'd really like to ask God, "What were you thinking?"

For instance ...

God, was it really necessary to make females capable of procreating from age 12 to age 60? I mean, really, why do that? Not one of us is mature enough for the challenges of motherhood before 20, and not one in a million has the energy for it past 50?

And what's the idea with the PMS? Isn't it bad enough that we have this curse for a week out of every month of our lives, without turning us into whining, sniveling, wretches for 5 days before that?

And here's another one for you, God. Why create all males to be speed demons, but only when it suits their purposes?

In 15 minutes a man can consume a seven-course meal it took his wife four hours to cook.

In 10 minutes a man can shower, dress, and be out the door ... when he wants to.

In just 5 minutes he can walk into a department store, pick out a new outfit, pay for it, and walk out perfectly satisfied. Amazing!

And, of course, men are famous for their speed at "slam, bam, thank you ma'am" (enough said).

However, ask most men to fix a hinge that squeaks or a door that sticks or a faucet that drips, and you'll be lucky if it's done by the next millennium. (My husband, thank you, God, is NOT "most men.")

And, while we're at it, God, why is it that all kids, at age 12, turn into hideous creatures from outer space that their parents don't even recognize, and then at age 19 become humans again?

What's up with that?

I'll never forget when it happened to our eldest daughter. One day she was this sweet little thing who loved going everywhere with her Mama. Then we celebrated her 12th birthday, and suddenly I was "pariah non grata." We went to the mall that day and this creature appeared out of nowhere elbowing me in the ribs and whispering through clenched teeth, "Mom, go away. Don't walk with me. Someone might see us."

Till then, I had always secretly congratulated myself on being a pretty "hip" Mom. Now, suddenly, I was so "unhip" I was a total embarrassment to her? I wanted to shake her and ask, "Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?"

Apparently this teenage metamorphosis is not unique to the 21st century. It seems, God, that kids have been wired that way from the beginning. But then, you knew that.

Mark Twain commented on the phenomenon almost a hundred years ago. He also offered a solution. He suggested that when a child reaches age 12 his/her parents should put the pre-teen in a barrel, seal the lid, and feed the child through a knothole. And at age 16, they should board up the knothole.

That may sound a bit drastic, unless you have a 12-year-old. Then it sounds intriguing. If you have a 14-year-old, it's actually tempting. But if you have a 16-year-old, it's a downright irresistible stroke of genius!

So, God, I'm back where I started. Humans today are exactly like humans have always been. Women, men, kids, it's the way we're made. Every generation has to deal with the same frustrations and struggles. And every generation comes back to the same universal question.

"What were you thinking?!!!"