Jared Lang

My 15 minutes of fame

Jared Lang | Highlands Today
Published: May 2, 2012

As a new weekly columnist, I've enjoyed a certain level of fame with which I was not formerly familiar. My refrigerator is covered with all of my previous columns (well, both of them) and I have gotten numerous compliments from both family and teachers alike.

Admittedly, it is hard to go out anymore without seeing crowds of people that undoubtedly recognize me but are scared to approach. Their seemingly ordinary looks when I pass by tell it all though. The struggle to contain their excitement is obvious.

OK, maybe I'm stretching the truth a little. The limited notoriety that has come with this column has got me thinking, though: What would life be like if I was a celebrity?

We live in a country where the rich and famous are as, if not more, influential than politicians. Celebrities usually have the undivided attention of the nation and always know how to use it. If I was a celebrity, I would soak up the spotlight and make the most of every perk handed to me.

My road to stardom would be an inspiring story. A small town dreamer runs away to the Big Apple and coincidentally meets a desperate agent. The two need each other and together, rise through the ranks of fame, collecting money and fans along the way. My story would presumably become a made-for-TV movie, with myself played by Ryan Gosling and the agent by Morgan Freeman. A tell-all interview with Barbara Walters and a best-selling autobiography featuring a foreword by Oprah would solidify my spot as a Hollywood A-lister.

My first move would be to surround myself with other famous and influential individuals. The Tim Tebows and Taylor Swifts of the world would all frequent my parties and invite me to theirs. In fact, Tim Tebow would be my best friend and Taylor Swift my love interest. Many Saturday nights would be spent rocking out at her concerts, then flying to New Jersey for Sunday's big game.

Next, I would begin to endorse my favorite products. My first choices would most likely be Rice Krispies and Eggo Waffles, both of which would provide me with a lifetime supply. Hanes would be the next to call, offering a spot on their next commercial alongside Michael Jordan and Charlie Sheen. This introduction into the business world would inspire me to create a new fragrance: Fame, for those not fortunate enough to share the spotlight. The success of my new line of cologne would certainly intrigue Donald Trump, who may even offer me a job.

At the peak of my prominence, I would drop the bombshell: "Jared Lang for president!" However, after learning that the age limit of 35 couldn't be overturned, even for celebrities, I'd be forced to settle for the Governor of California. My good friend Arnold would be happy to give me a few tips and pointers. Though the majority would be lost in translation, the most important like "I'll be back" will stick with me till the end

One brief appearance on Dancing with the Stars and numerous Lifetime movies later, my career will have reached its obvious end. The torch will be passed to a new generation of outgoing celebrities and the bulk of my fame will be lost in the archives of history.

The life of a celebrity is hard, but hey, someone has to live it!