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Highlands Today

Who Is In Charge - Parent Or Child?

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By ROB MIXON Guest Column

The Tampa Tribune

Published: November 7, 2008

We all want the best for our children. Most of us raise our children the way that we were raised. At both extremes of the parenting chart we will get similar results. At one end the parent maintains control over the child completely. The other end has no boundaries or limits with complete control going to the child. At either end of the parenting chart the results will be negative for the child and others. The goal is to achieve balance with the child.

A kind, loving, structure of administering rules, with the center of focus being the child not the parent, usually works best. "If you want this cookie you first have to tell me you love me," is not focused on the child. Love in this case was conditional and dependent on the parent's need to control. Taken to extreme, separation anxiety disorder may develop.

Usually we see the rule is stated but the immediate follow up and being consistent is missing for the best results for the child. This makes the rule invalid and either teaches the child that there is no security in their life, or that the child must be in control to achieve that security.

Uncle Joe is visiting with his brother and their 3-year-old son Scott. Uncle Joe has often played with his other nephews, from another brother, by making a "funny" face at them. A simple funny face has brought laughter and a return by his nephews of a funny face by them trying to outdo their Uncle Joe.

Sitting down across from Scott, Uncle Joe makes a funny face and then smiles. Three-year-old Scott picks up a metal toy truck and throws it at Uncle Joe's face!

Let's explore what just happened. Uncle Joe's brother and family will certainly believe that Uncle Joe's visits always bring out the worst in their 3-year-old son Scott. Transference from a controlling parent has the child viewing Uncle Joe's playfulness, instead of being a fun game, as an issue of control. Often if the child cannot "win" with his aggressive behavior following the outburst will be tears to control the situation. Uncle Joe is bewildered!

Even though Scott's parents may be stating the rule their follow up may not be consistent. Scott is constantly being controlled before the rule, follow up, and consistency sequence is completed. This is often with new rules! This spells control to Scott. Scott receives a mixed message that constant affection, constant control, lack of boundaries, and even being allowed to make adult decisions (that his parents should be giving him as a choice between two objects instead of his lack of ability to have infinite choices) once again cause Scott to feel that he must be in total control.

What may Uncle Joe do to have the relationship with his nephew and not drive Scott's parents over the edge? Uncle Joe must see things from young Scott's world and realize that playfulness cannot be interpreted by Scott as a playful challenge. Instead it becomes a challenge that Scott needs to win. This is a skill learned from Scott's parent.

Uncle Joe may want to explain to Scott how to play. Making a funny face is not a challenge in order for Uncle Joe to win, but a game that is fun to play. Laughter makes them both in control and both of them become winners. This is a new concept for Scott! When play is first described as play, and then initiated between Uncle Joe and Scott, they both feel good and this should be shown to Scott as it happens. Make sure that discipline is for the child instead of punishment being used for "winning" by the parent.

In stating the rule, following up and being consistent, Uncle Joe may still need to duck when that metal toy truck comes flying at him. Stating the rule, following up, and being consistent is something that young Scott is familiar with in his family environment. It may be necessary for him to experience this new concept to overcome a feeling that he must be in control. Old habits are difficult to break, especially if they are reinforced by the controlling, though well meaning, parent of young Scott.

Uncle Joe should remember that he is the problem. A dysfunctional family functions very well among themselves because each family member fits a certain role. It is when someone else is entered into the relationship that things will change. Often we cannot tell if that change will be positive or negative, as Uncle Joe found out!

Rob Mixon lives in Lake Placid.

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