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McCain Talk

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Robert N. Rader

Published: June 12, 2008

Had I been asked, I could have supplied Sen. John McCain a much more accurate speech for his "end of first term." Here is my suggestion:

"Now that I have reached the end of my first term there are many great things to report. We are still putting all our efforts into democratizing the Muslim world. We continue the heroic efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan but because of interference from Iran we had to invade that country and although we have had many losses we will eventually prevail.

Simultaneously, it was necessary to go into Syria and Lebanon due to malicious interference from those evil empires. We successfully overcame the shortage of volunteers to replace our losses in the military. We again lowered the entrance requirements to enlist personnel with at least an eighth-grade education. We waived criminal backgrounds to allow anyone in who was not convicted of a violent crime.

In cooperation with the several states, we have an agreement that non-violent criminals will be released to enlist in the military with the provision that if they do not do well they will be returned to prison. This makes room in the prisons for the many people who are now being convicted of treason as a result of our vastly improved surveillance of the communications networks.

Coming to the aid of our Israeli friends, who were receiving continued rocket attacks from Hamas, we agreed that they should simply take over the rest of Palestine. The Palestinians who were willing to stay in the workforce were allowed to remain. Those who did not were deported to other Arab states who would take them, otherwise they were placed in detention centers based on our Guantanamo.

At the urging of our far right wing friends, we had a mass deportation of all illegal aliens. Since their children who were born here are "technically" U.S. citizens and, of course, are God's children, we found a convenient solution. As we had emptied Guantanamo by sending all the remaining inmates back to their country of origin for disposal we had an excellent location for them. Because many of these children do not speak English or speak with an accent and insist on talking to each other in Spanish, we found it necessary to re-educate them before allowing adoption by U.S. citizens.

We drew upon a large number of psychologists in our intelligence agencies who are proficient in brainwashing techniques. As you know, our Supreme Court outlawed all forms of abortion. Consequently, we have a large number of single teenage mothers who have no means of support.

Rather than provide welfare, we have prevailed upon our wealthy citizens to take these mothers in as indentured servants. They must provide separate servants quarters to not be disturbed at night by the children. Because our wealthiest citizens are continuing to provide more jobs and economic benefits due to the tax breaks, we have asked them to place all leftovers from their meals just outside the gates to their communities so those still unfortunate enough to not yet be reaping the benefits can get some help. One of our best efforts has been to place all children who do not pass the FCATs into religious schools where they are receiving the best proper education. Of course, we are providing the necessary funds to these schools."

Robert N. Rader
Lake Placid

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