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Highlands Today

At The End Of The Day …

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Joyce Minor

Published: October 28, 2007

Have you ever noticed that the best communication usually happens at the end of the day? When we are so tired we don't feel like talking, and even less like listening, that's when the truest communication happens — between friends, between lovers, between marriage partners, between coworkers, even between parents and kids.

One of the best ways to spend meaningful time with a child is to sit down together at the end of the day and simply ask questions, then listen — really listen — to the answers. You don't have to think up fancy questions. "What did you do today?" Or, "How was school?" can give your child a chance to vent. And telling him or her about your day shows the child you consider it a two-way relationship. That is coin of the realm when it comes to avoiding problems and heartaches down the road.

The same is true in the workplace, yet too many supervisors seldom take time to actually talk with the
people who report to them. And they almost never do it at the end of the workday, when events and problems are still fresh in mind. Here too, the simplest questions are the most helpful. Questions like:

* What took too long today?

* What caused complaints?

* What cost too much?

* What is too complicated?

* What task involved too many people or too many steps?

* What caused misunderstandings today?

My father was undoubtedly the wisest person I've ever known. He was a great communicator, not just because he was a natural at public speaking, but also because he always asked the right questions. As a child, I noticed that when Daddy talked to me, he really listened to my response. Most people seemed to be thinking more about what they were going to say next, than about what I was saying to them. But not Daddy; he would look me right in the eye and focus completely on me. It made me feel important.

One night, when I was a teenager, Daddy asked me some questions he used to ask his employees. At first I was offended. How dare he treat me like a worker? But as I answered, I saw what it meant to him. He cared so much about our relationship that he was willing to risk asking me what I truly thought of him. I was honored and humbled. I don't remember my answers, but I will always remember his questions:

* When I ask you to do something, is the request clear, or do you feel you have to figure out what I want?

* Do I often change my mind after you've already begun to carry out my instructions?

* Am I open to your ideas?

* Do I often seem disappointed in you or your work?

* Is my criticism constructive and delivered with sensitivity?

* Do you feel you can trust me?

* Do I help you develop your skills?

* Am I usually available when you need me?

* Are you confident that I truly care about you and your future?

They are all simple yes or no questions. Daddy may even have borrowed the list from some book; I don't know. But, whether you're a supervisor or a parent, when you ask questions like that, you put yourself in the position of ultimate vulnerability.

At the end of the day, that's powerful.

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