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Pumpkin Huggers

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Mike Reark

Published: November 3, 2007

And now come the Pumpkin Police to save us from heinous second-graders who have the audacity to, gasp! carve a pumpkin. Good grief Charlie Brown, the Great Pumpkin would roll over in his grave.

This would have had amusing results if the assignment had been given to teenagers, who supposedly know better. Oops, silly me. But these are second- graders who, hopefully, still believe in Santa Claus. They are very impressionable at that age, and should still be tugging on Mommy's apron strings, except that mommy traded in her apron for a business suit, the real crux of the problem.

So we already have tree huggers and bunny huggers, now we are raising a generation of veggie huggers. The Good Lord gave us dominion over the beasts of the land, the birds of the sky and the fish of the sea. I assume He left out plant matter on purpose, since it really can't run away, and He gave us too much credit for being able to figure that out on our own. It is already politically incorrect to hunt and fish, so now I suppose tilling a garden will become some sort of ghastly social stigma.

You will never get these kids to eat their broccoli now, and they'll be writing letters of apology to the mother of their baked potato, who coincidentally happens to be a genetic engineer in Idaho. We are talking about a gourd here, people. This thing has about as much heart as Hillary Clinton. Well, maybe a little more.

Pay attention all you do-gooders. Mark my words, tofu and Starbucks coffee are next on the hit list of those who would save us from ourselves. As for me, I am getting a big, sharp knife and the most bloated pumpkin I can find. Then I am going to carve it in the image of Nancy Pelosi, and watch with glee as it slowly rots from the inside out, unfortunately just like the United States of America. Ya'll better wake up.

Mike Reark
Sebring

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